ARIES: Dear Aries, we get it. You have no human emotion; you are non-stop, hard-working, hot tempered, immune to physical pain and immune to remorse for anything you may do to another human being. A regular badass. This December is the perfect time to get over yourself. It’s ok to take a break and unwind from your self-driven grind. Take a chill pill and then a nap. Dear Aries, literally nothing is wrong; you’re your own problem and everyone else’s. Chill out.

TAURUS: Dear Taurus, please please please stop being so needy. After a whole year of bothering all of the other signs, we really need a break. I know you think you’re being cute and nice, but you’re not; you’re actually really annoying. Maybe by the end of this year you’ll learn to be alone, because nobody else wants to be with you. Maybe through meditation and self exploration you may learn to quiet the non-stop paranoid buzz that lives in the back of your mind. Ps Taurus, stop trying to buy love with food. It just doesn’t work that way.

GEMINI: Dear Gemini, you actually don’t know everything. Your emotional insecurity is cloaked by your never ending sarcasm, which you think is funny, but is actually really mean. The more you reach out to other people the more you push yourself away. You can’t fill the nagging hollowness in your heart (if you even have one) with copious amounts of drinking and surface-deep friends. This season is a perfect time to try to get help, read a book, go to sleep at a reasonable hour, do a face mask. You can’t give yourself advice forever. I’m sorry its so hard to live with yourself, Gemini.

CANCER: Dear Cancer, you can stop sending us your playlists now. Come on, you can’t be sad forever; I know it’s your thing and all, but it’s really hard to have a conversation with you when you relate everything back to your weird rash and why you think it’s probably cancer. And if you try to give me advice one more time about something you know nothing about, I might just punch you in your puppy-dog face. This winter is a perfect time to stop writing sad poetry and crying alone. Channel your unending creativity into something not self deprecating. Paint a picture. Plant a garden. That’s all; you’re kind of a hopeless cause, Cancer.

LEO: Dear Leo, the universe doesn’t revolve around you. Despite what you may think, nobody thinks you’re nearly as interesting or handsome as you think you are. Your ego is your own best friend, and criticism is not taken lightly. Maybe in December you will learn to converse about something other than the beautiful new poem you wrote after you broke up with your ‘soulmate’ who you’d only known for three weeks. Maybe try helping someone other than yourself. Volunteer at an animal shelter. It might feel good. I know you’re annoyed I didn’t write more about you Leo, but it’s probably a good idea to get used to rejection now.

VIRGO: Dear Virgo, literally nobody cares. We get it: You’re deeply sad and feeling very incomplete after a whole year of pushing yourself too far. You’ve run yourself way too thin as usual, striving to create the unreachable perfection you crave so desperately. Well newsflash, Virgo, nobody wants to hear how many verbs are in your 2,000 word essay about why Octopi are the most intelligent creatures in the known universe. Maybe this Christmas you’ll stop counting calories and start counting how many friends you have. If you’re holding up more than three fingers, you’re doing something right, but to your standards probably not ‘right enough.’

LIBRA: Dear Libra, you’re not as charming and quirky as you think you are. You’re icecent cooing about all these new health crazes and self-help books you’ve been LOVING is getting really tiring. Your bouncy, bubbly attitude is disturbing and confusing after you cry to yourself for hours about ‘why can’t anybody just be real with you.’ This December it’s time to man up, Libra; be real with yourself for once; eat a whole meal, drink some water.  For being the scales, you’re really the most imbalanced people.

SCORPIO: Dear Scorpio, we all already assume you’re good at giving head, so you can stop telling us about it. You’re unstoppable sex drive is very cleverly hidden by layers of mystery and clouds of doubt. But we can see right through you: Everybody knows you’re having personal problems that you can’t talk about under any circumstances. This December it’s probably a good idea to get yourself checked; maybe take some vitamins and try to get some sleep. Being aggressively edgy takes a lot out of you.

SAGITTARIUS: Dear Sag, please stop rubbing yourself in our faces. We all know you’re desperate, horny, and secretly very lonely. It’s obvious your carefree persona is cloaked by self deprivation and internal confusion. This December is a perfect time to make a friendship that isn’t just skin deep. Try confiding in a friend rather than the entire universe. Life doesn’t have to be fun all the time. It’s time to ease into the winter gracefully, take a break from all the artificial euphoria, and try some yoga. Get help, Sag.

CAPRICORN: Dear Capricorn, why can’t you ever be wrong? Maybe this December will fill your scrooge-like persona with Christmas cheer, and you’ll lighten up a little bit, even though seasonal depression is near, and you will soon turn to food for comfort. Just remember there’s more to live for than being right, and maybe just maybe, if you loosen up and stop blaming everyone else for why you’re having such a hard time finding yourself, you could make your very first friend.

AQUARIUS: Dear Aquarius, please stop telling us about your very profound personal internal explorations. Nobody cares about the crazy trip you had last Tuesday, and we’re all getting very tired of listening to you repeating well known quotes from famous philosophers and claiming they ‘read your mind.’ You are really not as cool as you think you are. This December is a wonderful time to focus on something other than yourself, maybe try caring for an animal, a plant, even an insect, but definitely not another person. Lord knows your relationships are a catastrophe and anyone that gets close to you will immediately run the other direction. Aquarius, please stop.

PISCES: Dear Pisces, it’s time to get some help. After your year long downward spiral, you must be feeling very ‘surreal.’ Well let me put some real into your surreal: no matter how many self revelations you’ve made, or how many astral projections you’ve experienced, you have literally gotten nothing done. And I bet after all your self discoveries and improvements you feel the same as you did in the beginning phase of your spiral, you can’t keep romanticizing the problems you have imbedded deep down inside you, probably from your parents or multiple ex-boyfriends. This December it’s about time to get a life, some deodorant, and maybe even a job. Good luck, Pisces.